A Passion for Compassion & Advanced Preemptive Thinking

Dear Avid Reader,

A friend of mine, Trey, sent me a comment on Preemptive Thinking. He just so happened to touch on something that has been on my mind. Let me recount what he said concerning my "grocery line" example of Preemptive Thinking:

"...my goal is NOT to get out as quickly as possible. My goal is to have as much fun as possible at any given moment.

"So you stand there and ignore the light. Then make hand motions like a deaf person. They will get embarrassed and wave you over. You make a confused face and point to the light, they will turn it on. Then you shrug and make the thank you motion (open hand on chin, moving away from face...make sure to overly mouth the words 'THANK YOU').

"Let them check you out as normal. All the while smiling and nodding. Be sure to focus on their lips. If something rings up wrong try and correct them, try and get a price check or something charades style.

"...when you are all paid up, wave off any help to the car. At the automatic doors turn and yell 'Thanks Goodbye! And for Pete's sake keep your light on!"

Laminack, F. E.(2005). Excerpts from Comments Section: Preemptive Thinking. The Art Of Dumbing It Down. Retrieved 10/30/2005 from Preemptive Thinking Comments Section

Now some would associate all of this calculation with being cold and unfeeling. But I believe the opposite is true. Trey is actually being a caring person in his example by using an advanced form of preemption. He has decided that his goal is to "have as much fun as possible" as opposed to "getting out of the store" as was the example in my earlier post (Preemptive Thinking). Let's first explore the definition of "fun" as I see it being used in Trey's example before moving on to Advanced Preemption.

Having Fun Is Hard Work

"Fun" in Trey's example is not as self-centered as he may have described in his opening paragraphs. I think Trey doesn't want to "have as much fun as possible" as he wants the OTHER person to have as much fun as possible.

In the example, Trey begins by acting as though he is really put out by the light being off. He then follows this by acting like he is very frustrated by the service he is receiving. What he is doing through his acting, is offering up a character for the attendant ridicule. Through his "character", the attendant can laugh at people who are actually rude. Trey is also ridiculing these people by exaggerating the rudeness of the "rude people" through his character. He ends his "play" with an over-the-top exclamation about leaving the light on, bringing the entire event to a crescendo of faux nastiness.

So really Trey is having fun but only because the attendant is having fun. But fun is not all that is happening.

Atop The Precipice

This action that Trey undertook is Advanced Preemption. I call it this because I believe Trey started with an initial goal (leave the store with X) and then decided to exceed it (have fun with the attendant).

After the attendant waved Trey over, Trey made a split second decision to try and make the attendant's day better. Doing this would also make him feel good, but it also serves a pragmatic purpose. The attendant may be more inclined to give better service now as well as in the future. This is because Trey would have created a positive experience that the attendant will remember.

Now the attendant having fun should always take precedence over getting better service. People are very perceptive. Trey's action would have rung falsely if the attendant felt as though Trey was trying to get something from her. But Trey's action were meant to be enjoyed by the attendant, so his intentions were true.

So, in that spilt decision as he was waved over, Trey saw another human being and an opportunity to interact with them. He decided to meet that opportunity and engage that person. He could have easily ignored the whole situation and leave, but he decided to not let the moment pass. The two of them shared a super specific moment in time and enjoyed it together.

This is called compassion and I have been thinking about it a lot recently.

Do You Really Mean It?

Maybe is has come with age, maybe it has come with an experience that I cannot remember, but I have become fascinated with caring. I am interested with what's happening with other people. I mean, have you noticed how hilarious they are? But compassion is not all fun and games. Compassion is risky business.

Let's go back to the grocery line. If Trey began his "show" and the attendant wasn't in the mood to hear it, the Trey would have created a negative experience. The attendant would have felt like Trey was an arrogant, cavalier, jerk. Or worse, the attendant could take Trey's fake rudeness for actual rudeness. Thoughts of "Who does he think he is?" and "Getta load of this guy!" would probably go racing through her head.

Trey would lose on the compassion side as well as on the practical side. The attendant might even take action and try and slow down Trey's purchases. She can ask for several forms of identification, intentionally slow down her movements, calling over a manager for no reason, excessive price checking, etc. Because Trey has increased the benefits of success, he has also increased the consequences if he fails. You can see how caring can be dangerous.

Compassion only works when the giver means it and can perceive if the receiver needs/wants it. No one likes charity, no one, and no one likes be patronized. So not only is intentional care involved, but also a modicum of humility is involved too.

It's a dastardly game this "compassion", but I believe that we are all called to make our mistakes on the side of attempting rather than restraining.

So embrace those moments. Don't be afraid of caring too much. I know Trey and I won't.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better

James

P.S. Did you notice the sweet APA Format style citation of Trey's comments? You can bet there'll be more of that action.

Preemptive Thinking

Dear Avid Reader,

I'd like to discuss with you a theory that I have been toying with. It's called Preemptive Thinking.

Preemptive thinking is similar to thinking before you speak (TBYS), but it takes TBYS a little further. I'll explain.

Say you are at a grocery store. You've selected your items and are ready to leave. Your goal is to pay for your items and leave. Most often, the fastest completion of this goals is the preferred tactic and that is the tactic you have decided to take.

So, you saunter up to the front of the store and there are two lanes: Lane A and Lane B. Both lanes are manned and the attendants are currently checking out customers, but only Lane A has their "light on" (you know, the light above the check out line to indicate if a lane is open). You assume that the attendant at Lane B has just completed her shift, and you make the decision to get at the end of Lane A.

But, after the Lane B attendant has finished with her current customer, she looks to you and says, "I can get you right here"

You say, "O.K....I would have come over here earlier but your light was off."

To me, you have just made a mistake. By making that comment you have derailed your goal of getting out of here as soon as possible. How have you derailed it? That question can be answered when we look at what your potential reason behind making the statement is. Here are the two most common reasons:

1) You don't want the attendant to think you are an idiot.

This reason has no root in reality. It has everything to do with vanity.

You see, the attendant has a goal too. That goal is to get you out of here as soon as possible so that she can do something else. Therefore you and her have goal compatibility and the last thing she wants to do is make you change your goal. It is right in line with her goal. Whatever line you were in, for whatever reason doesn't matter, she just wants to help. If she can't understand that you have made a choice based on information that she has given you in the form of a light being off, then in fact she is the idiot. Not you.

But let's step back even further. Is it reasonable to think that this person will remember that you were in a longer line and not a shorter one the next time you meet? There really is no concern here because the attendant will never remember your face. She checks people out all of the time. The only way she will remember you, is if you do something memorable. One example of this might be telling her the obvious like her light is off. So you have actually accomplished the opposite of what you intended by making yourself conspicuous.

You have won the battle but you have lost the war. You have showed the attendant that you are not an idiot, but rather, a jerk. To explain this angle further, let's go to point two...

2) You want to help her by pointing out that she has her light off.

Alright, so you want to help. That's cool. But by making that comment, you have gone on the offensive which will make her go on the defensive. She wanted to help, and you respond with a remark that details a potential mistake. Now she is not only less inclined to hear your suggestion, but now she is less likely to help you with your main goal: to leave quickly with your purchases. So when you decided that helping with the "light on" situation was more or of equal importance to your goal of leaving, you have actually hurt yourself on both fronts.

This second reason (helping), to me, is actually a smoke screen reason for the first reason (idiot). The reason I feel this way is because if the real concern is that the light is off, there are better tactics than just blurting it out as soon as you realize that the lane is open. You would probably wait until the transaction was almost complete (goal 1) and then inform the attendant in a sort of subtle way. This would allow the attendant to save face if they forgot to turn it on and it would not embarrass them.

Moving on...

So we see that the effects of making the remark are actually harmful rather than helpful despite the intentions. Your primary goal was subverted because you decided that one/both of these secondary goals were more important that your initial one at that particular moment. If you would have thought about how your statement was actually going to effect the attendant, you may have chosen a different course of action.

This is the main thrust of preemptive thinking. Each time you speak, you either bring yourself closer to completing a goal, or you move yourself further away. There are NO neutral communications. None. Saying nothing is the only communication that has no value unless it is in response to a direct question. In which case, silence is usually seen as negative.

Preemptive Thinking asks that you look at the effect of what you say has on a goal. Does the statement relate directly to the task at hand? If not, what will the potential drag of the statement have on my goal. If I am not sure, is it worth the risk?

Like chess, try and think a move ahead. If the what you are about to say doesn't help you directly and immediately, then the statement will always hurt you directly and immediately. Always.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better,

James

It happened so subtlely, you really had to look to see it happening...

Dear Avid Reader,

I'm not sure how I got here.

I have railed against blogs for the longest time.This idea of people writing about themselves becasue they think someone out there actually cares is the reason I have never read blogs, cared about blogs, and is probalby why I am starting a blog.

My wife said when she was starting her blog that she thought of blogs as a way to keep up with family. You can write when you want, they can check when they want and it works out for everyone. Conveinent.

Well, I'm not going to hide behind that fairy tale. I am making a blog because I am "so darn interesting". Why there isn't a reality TV crew following me I cannot say. There should at least be a bard or scribe writing epic poems and songs of my victories. Perferrably in Klingon.

As I write this, I realize that I never had a consistent journal because I knew that no one would read it. Journals are traditionally secret and personal. Now that there is a possibility that someone may read my blog, I am sure to write in it all the time. I figure someone out there agrees with everything I say. And so it is for you, Avid Reader, that I write.

So what to expect.

In addition to my wife, my in-laws all have blogs (and they all have devout followings as well).All of them focus on the hobby of the blogist. There's my father-in-law and fly-tying, my mother-in-law and knitting, and my brother-in-law and technology. So my blog will not be in this same vein as them in that it will be about me. That is unless I become a hobby somehow, so watch for that.

These blogs always seem to take on the form of a one-sided dialouge. So I guess that'll be the format that I adopt. Me talking, no one listening. You are probably familiar with this if you have any experience with blogs.

So welcome to the blog, I'm sure there will be links and pictures soon, probably a survey or poll.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better,

James