A Passion for Compassion & Advanced Preemptive Thinking

Dear Avid Reader,

A friend of mine, Trey, sent me a comment on Preemptive Thinking. He just so happened to touch on something that has been on my mind. Let me recount what he said concerning my "grocery line" example of Preemptive Thinking:

"...my goal is NOT to get out as quickly as possible. My goal is to have as much fun as possible at any given moment.

"So you stand there and ignore the light. Then make hand motions like a deaf person. They will get embarrassed and wave you over. You make a confused face and point to the light, they will turn it on. Then you shrug and make the thank you motion (open hand on chin, moving away from face...make sure to overly mouth the words 'THANK YOU').

"Let them check you out as normal. All the while smiling and nodding. Be sure to focus on their lips. If something rings up wrong try and correct them, try and get a price check or something charades style.

"...when you are all paid up, wave off any help to the car. At the automatic doors turn and yell 'Thanks Goodbye! And for Pete's sake keep your light on!"

Laminack, F. E.(2005). Excerpts from Comments Section: Preemptive Thinking. The Art Of Dumbing It Down. Retrieved 10/30/2005 from Preemptive Thinking Comments Section

Now some would associate all of this calculation with being cold and unfeeling. But I believe the opposite is true. Trey is actually being a caring person in his example by using an advanced form of preemption. He has decided that his goal is to "have as much fun as possible" as opposed to "getting out of the store" as was the example in my earlier post (Preemptive Thinking). Let's first explore the definition of "fun" as I see it being used in Trey's example before moving on to Advanced Preemption.

Having Fun Is Hard Work

"Fun" in Trey's example is not as self-centered as he may have described in his opening paragraphs. I think Trey doesn't want to "have as much fun as possible" as he wants the OTHER person to have as much fun as possible.

In the example, Trey begins by acting as though he is really put out by the light being off. He then follows this by acting like he is very frustrated by the service he is receiving. What he is doing through his acting, is offering up a character for the attendant ridicule. Through his "character", the attendant can laugh at people who are actually rude. Trey is also ridiculing these people by exaggerating the rudeness of the "rude people" through his character. He ends his "play" with an over-the-top exclamation about leaving the light on, bringing the entire event to a crescendo of faux nastiness.

So really Trey is having fun but only because the attendant is having fun. But fun is not all that is happening.

Atop The Precipice

This action that Trey undertook is Advanced Preemption. I call it this because I believe Trey started with an initial goal (leave the store with X) and then decided to exceed it (have fun with the attendant).

After the attendant waved Trey over, Trey made a split second decision to try and make the attendant's day better. Doing this would also make him feel good, but it also serves a pragmatic purpose. The attendant may be more inclined to give better service now as well as in the future. This is because Trey would have created a positive experience that the attendant will remember.

Now the attendant having fun should always take precedence over getting better service. People are very perceptive. Trey's action would have rung falsely if the attendant felt as though Trey was trying to get something from her. But Trey's action were meant to be enjoyed by the attendant, so his intentions were true.

So, in that spilt decision as he was waved over, Trey saw another human being and an opportunity to interact with them. He decided to meet that opportunity and engage that person. He could have easily ignored the whole situation and leave, but he decided to not let the moment pass. The two of them shared a super specific moment in time and enjoyed it together.

This is called compassion and I have been thinking about it a lot recently.

Do You Really Mean It?

Maybe is has come with age, maybe it has come with an experience that I cannot remember, but I have become fascinated with caring. I am interested with what's happening with other people. I mean, have you noticed how hilarious they are? But compassion is not all fun and games. Compassion is risky business.

Let's go back to the grocery line. If Trey began his "show" and the attendant wasn't in the mood to hear it, the Trey would have created a negative experience. The attendant would have felt like Trey was an arrogant, cavalier, jerk. Or worse, the attendant could take Trey's fake rudeness for actual rudeness. Thoughts of "Who does he think he is?" and "Getta load of this guy!" would probably go racing through her head.

Trey would lose on the compassion side as well as on the practical side. The attendant might even take action and try and slow down Trey's purchases. She can ask for several forms of identification, intentionally slow down her movements, calling over a manager for no reason, excessive price checking, etc. Because Trey has increased the benefits of success, he has also increased the consequences if he fails. You can see how caring can be dangerous.

Compassion only works when the giver means it and can perceive if the receiver needs/wants it. No one likes charity, no one, and no one likes be patronized. So not only is intentional care involved, but also a modicum of humility is involved too.

It's a dastardly game this "compassion", but I believe that we are all called to make our mistakes on the side of attempting rather than restraining.

So embrace those moments. Don't be afraid of caring too much. I know Trey and I won't.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better

James

P.S. Did you notice the sweet APA Format style citation of Trey's comments? You can bet there'll be more of that action.