Thanks For Choosing The Last Supper. I'm James & I'll Be Your Server This Morning.

Dear Avid Reader,

Do you attend church? Let's at least pretend that you do. And while we're pretending, let's say you attend a Evangelical Christian church and you are familiar with communion. And if you are a man, let's say you are familiar with communion duty.

Now that you undertsand the subject matter for today's post, let's get on with it.

It's The Little Things

I hate communion duty. I would rather lead one-thousand prayers than serve communion once. There are way too many things that can go wrong. From handing the trays to your fellow servers right after the prayer, to handing it to each parishioner, to walking the aisles. There are like one-million opportunities to drop the tray. And you have to go through it twice or three times if you hold the offering directly after.

Why so much pressure? Well, do you know how many times the tray has been dropped? I think it's like twice in the entire history mankind. It never happens. Imagine being the guy that breaks the streak. You'd never hear the end of it.

So after having gone into battle myself, let me give you some tips on how to not blow it.

Doing It And Doing It And Doing It Well

First you need the right gear.

If you are going in front of a small congregation, say only a handful of members, then you may not have to dress too nicely. Casual-formal may be alright. But if you are playing for a big audience, then formal-casual may be more appropriate. Formal-formal may be too formal and dressed-to-the-nines is out of the question. Unless it's one of "those" churches, then you may want to consider a tux. Going in the other direction to casual-casual is no good either. You don't want to appear irreverent. And dragged-out-of-bed is absolutely unacceptable. Didn't your mom teach you anything?

When it comes to shoes, appearance means nothing. Go for comfort and reliability. You are going to be on your feet a lot so something you can stand in for awhile is good. Especially if your prayer guy tries for the mini-sermon & the long prayer combo. Always a killer.

You also need to be able to cut and move, especially during the offering. Those plates come flying out fast. Essentially you'll be running down the aisles to keep up, cutting and weaving the whole way. Julius has nothing on me.

You will also need a cyanide tablet and wakizashi dagger. This is in case you drop a tray. If a tray does drop on your end of the section, here's what you do:

When the tray hits the ground, everyone will turn to look. You will need to look up from the fallen tray and apologize to anyone that the tray fell on. You will then stand at attention, take the cyanide tablet from your pocket, crunch it up with your fingers, and then place the broken pieces under your tongue. Breaking the tablet up will allow the poison to work more quickly.

Then, look across the congregation, bow ceremonially, kneel with your head lowered and then draw your wakizashi dagger. Plunge the dagger into your abdomen, make a cut to the left, then to the right, and then upward, spilling out your intestines. The other person that is catching trays in your seating section will serve as your kaishakunin, your second. He will draw the katana blade that is stored in the baby crying room and perform the final daki-kubi cut.

I may be overstating the significance of dropping a communion tray, but if you do actually drop a communion tray, you might want to consider ritual suicide. It's better than enduring the other member's cold stares or wry jokes that are sure to follow.

Luckily, I have never had to contend with this occurrence. *knock knock*

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