Where Do You Want To Eat?

Dear Avid Reader,

So we all eat out. And before I get to my post, I need to expel a little guilt.

Here we are, America, arguing over where we are going to eat out, and people are starving elsewhere. I don't want to bring you down before I get to my post, but I want you to know that I struggled with the making of this post. Thank you, guilt expelled.

Something occurred to me while driving around looking for a place to eat with the wife. Now I don't care where we go, or at least I thought I didn't. But as my wife offered up suggestions I kept saying, "Naaaaahhhhh" or "Eh" or "Mmmmmm no". So obviously I DO care. So if I do care, what do I care about?

At first blush, you would think that food is the most important consideration. But as it turns out, that is not the case. You see, I always order the same things: hamburger, fajitas, or steak. I learned long ago that I don't need to try anything else.

Variety Is NOT The Spice Of Life

Every time someone convinces me to try the chicken pasta or the veal, I always eat it and say, "You know, this is alright, but I'd rather be eating a steak." Every time, period. Nothing is better than eating a hamburger, fajitas, or steak. And usually the table next to us has a guy eating a great big steak, with a HUGE smile on his face. And there I sit, eating taco salad or salmon, trying to suppress the urge to kill the man with the steak. My rage rising with each bite and each time the convincer says, "See, isn't this better than the steak?"

No. It's not. Ever.

This practice is a huge frustration to my wife, who could not imagine having the same thing twice in a week. "Here have a bite of this vegetable lasagna. It's great." I look up at her from my hamburger, confused. We've done this before. Why does she continually try to torture me? Why try and sully a palette that is swimming in hamburger?

"No thanks." I reply and return to my feast. But this isn't good enough.

"No really. It's good. Just a little," she insists. It's as if she thinks I've never had vegetable lasagna or seafood linguine or whatever sub-hamburger dish she has ordered. I've had other stuff before, it's how I know hamburgers are what I want. Trust me.

"I'll just have my hamburger, thanks." I say, hands reaching for the manly sandwich, mouth opening, preparing to receive the kingly delight.

"Honestly, how you can have the same thing over and over..." she trails off, lost in disgust.

She may not understand, but I do. And I've taken my eating habits and turned them into a lifestyle.

Mmmmm That Sounds Good...Or Does It?

I won't buy anything unless I know I'll like it. When it comes time to buy vegetable for the house, I won't buy lettuce because salad "sounds good". I know I won't eat it, the whole head will rot in the crisper. So I buy carrots because I know I will eat them because there is no prep time involved. Simple. You can call it "Hamburger Philosophy".

The same goes for furniture or clothes. I get nothing that "sounds good", whatever that means. I wear simple things, I sit in simple chairs, that's how we roll in this joint. Get your own joint if you disagree with the practices of this joint, which I happen to operate.

So now we are dressed and we know what we want, the question again, is where to go. Because I like the simpler fare of hamburgers and most hamburgers are the same, choosing becomes simpler. I mean you really can't surprise someone with super-creativity when it comes to meat and bread. This is of course except for Ruby Tuesday but I couldn't convince my wife to go there every time we go out even if there was one close to where I live.

"Ruby Tuesday again? Honestly how you can want to go the same place over and over..." she would say, falling over a cliff of repulsion.

The Perfect Dining Experience Minus The Dining

So when I can take food out of the equation, where do I want to eat? It comes down to comfort. I like a lots of space, cause I'm a large dude. So when the wife would bring up a place, I would think about the last time I was there and if I felt crowded or uncomfortable, I wouldn't want to go. I wouldn't even think about what I ate there.

Take our local Chinese place that I'll call Chinese Place. The wife LOVES it. It's got curry shrimp and she loves the stuff. But every time I go there, I feel out of place, or in the way. I think it's the lay-out. I know the food is good, even though it doesn't have hamburgers, but when I get there, I just feel like leaving. And here's the test: even if they did serve a steak or hamburger at Chinese Place, I wouldn't want to go.

I tired this test with a friend of mine. I asked him to tell me his favorite food. It was steak (You can see how we would be friends). And I asked him to tell me his least favorite restaurant, which was Restaurant X (I can't for the life of me remember what he said). I then asked him if he would eat a delicious steak in Restaurant X. He thought about it, and then said, "No". Once again, food was secondary to atmosphere.

I think this theory has legs. It really doesn't matter anymore what you serve, so long as the price and quality match up. Usually it does match up and the food is passable. So what matters the most now is the atmosphere. I think people would eat almost anything you got, so long as they're comfortable while doing it. Even if it wasn't a steak.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better,

James