Hark The Herald Registers Ring

Dear Avid Reader,

Here's a universal truth for ya': Christmas gifts are a tricky thing.

First off, you gotta do them in secret. All gift identities must remain hidden until the moment they are opened. So that means that you have to invent all sorts of safeguards to protect the gift from being discovered. You have to hide the gift, you have to buy it from an out-of-the-way store or online, and et cetera. But to complicate matters, this desire is pitted against another requirement...

Christmas gifts must be liked by the recipient.

How do you accomplish this? Well, you have to be sly. You can't just say, "So, what do I get you?" Why? Because then you'd be breaking the first rule. The recipient would know what you are getting them.

So you have to be crafty and employ a little bit of espionage. You have to open with, "Hey, I really like that new CD by [Current Emo Band]. Thinking about purchasing said CD. What about you?"

But this is very easy to detect, especially near Christmas time. So what you have to do, is build a database of people that you are going to buy presents for a year in advance. Then you have to constantly update this information in order to keep a good variety of Christmas options. What if you lose your job before the holidays and money is tight? What if someone really wanted a particular doll, but you come to find out they use animals during product testing? You have to be vigilant I say, vigilant!

So buying Christmas gifts is a lot like being in the CIA. You have a file on everyone you know, it's all in secret, and if you are discovered, you will be tortured. It's exactly like the CIA.

Black Friday? Try Black EVERYDAY

This Wanted versus Secret dynamic is a clever foe. It goes right to the core of the gift purchase itself. I'll explain. Gifts come in two varieties: necessities and frivolities. Both can generate the "hoo-ray" effect that you are attempting to create, but each has a strategy to buying them.

For necessities, you need only to look around at the recipient's life. Are they moving to a new house? Do they have a kid? Do they have a new job? Did they recently lose/break an item that needs replacing? These can be easier to detect as they are tied directly to a need that the recipient has. But, getting a mower may not be something that the person jumps up and down for. Plus, if the recipient knows that they need something, how can they be surprised?

So maybe to want to try a frivolity. These are riskier. Because the person doesn't need the gift, the gift has to be in line with the tastes of the recipient. You really have to know your stuff on this one. If you buy a CD of a band that the recipient doesn't really like, then you have effectively bought nothing for the recipient and worse, you have revealed that you do not understand his/her tastes. Well done. You are a terrible friend.

So be careful out there shoppers. Tis the season...to blow it.

The Next Post Promises To Be Better,

James